Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sandman55]

Harry’s Ambition

Harry’s ambition in life was to be a chicken farmer and he worked and saved to achieve his goal.
On the evening that Harry and his wife moved into their new farm they celebrated with one too many bottles of wine and they crawled into bed to sleep it off.
Harry kissed his wife and as soon as his head hit the pillow he was asleep.
All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry and I’ve just achieved my life’s ambition to be a chicken farmer "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "we only have a position for a dog or a hen.
You will have to choose."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run on his new farm and really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' a beautiful egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" and all the chickens gathered around and they all clucked and cheered Harry on he felt so proud. So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground all the chickens clucked ecstatically.
Then he heard in the distance the faint call of his wife “Harry” then a little louder “Harry” then very loud "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you've **** all over the bed!"

[charleville]

Click for full size - Uploaded with plasq's Skitch

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'






.

[mowerman]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little b***ard on your knee!

[BGG]

READ THIS ALOUD AND LAUGH



This was nominated for one of the best e-mails of 1999. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud!"

G: "You're welcome."


__________________________________________________ ______________________

[BGG]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh1t all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

[littlejim]

Those who can't follow spoken German might like to watch " the Wrong Bike".

Warning: not for those who can't handle very, very, naughty words, or for those who are one eyed BMW riders.

http://www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv

[coucho]

hope he has some good insurance
Attachment 26478

[NAGG]

Doh! ...... That hurts

[FNQCairns]

Gee! great pic and a low speed impact!!!

cheers fnq

[bdowdy]

at least the boat looks like its alright

[Outsider1]

And the trailer rollers seem to work

Dave

[whiting-wizard]

ahaha nice pic mate

[DR]

that gives a whole new outlook on a 'car topper'

[Savage Scorpion]

Monica Lewinsky was walking along a beach one day when she came accross an Aladdins Lamp and decided to pick it up and give it a rub and to her astonishment a Jeanie appeared.

The Jeanie was so thankfull for being released from the lamp that he immediately granted her three wishes. However when he looked at her for a bit longer and discovered that she was Monika Lewinsky he appologised and said because she was Monika Lewinsky and had an affair with most powerfull man on earth being the President of the United States of America and she had made millions of dollars he could only grant her one wish.

Monica thought about this and decided that this was fair. So said the Jeanie what is it you wish. Monika looked down at her hips and decided that she would wish to lose her "love handles". This replied the Jeanie I can grant you.

Next there was this great bang, crash and a great puff of smoke.

And then her ears fell off.

[nuggstar]

hahaha hehe