Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[BGG]

Lewinsky and Kaczynski
The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the ‘Style Invitational’.
The requirements this week were to use the two words ‘Lewinsky’ (the Intern) and ‘Kaczynski’ (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas ‘Hail to the Chief’
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

[skipalong]

nice efforts mate

[ttone]

A man
walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked
up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'

Not a phrase that men
normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about
done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your
fly is open.' He zipped up and
finished his shopping. At the checkout, he
intentionally got in the line
where the lady was that told him about his
'barracks door.' He was planning
to have a little fun with her, so when he
reached the counter he said, 'When
you saw my barracks door open, did
you see a Marine standing in there at
attention?'

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a
moment and said
'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting
on a couple of old
duffle bags.'

[the gecko]

Hers an old favorite of mine, just for the businessmen out there.

Flogging a dead horse!
Indian tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies.

How many of these ring a familiar tune?

- Buy a stronger whip.
- Change riders.
- Appoint a committee to study the horse.
- Move the horse to a new location.
- Arrange to visit other sites to benchmark how they ride dead horses.
- Create a training session to increase our ability to ride.
- Schedule a meeting with the dead horse to discuss his productivity problems.
- Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it more cheaply.
- Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
- Provide status reports daily on the dead horse.
- Provide an incentive bonus for the jockey.
- Add more managers/supervisors per dead horse.
- Rename the horse.
- Hire a consultant to give an opinion on dead horses.
- Hire another consultant to refute the first consultant's opinion that the horse is really dead.
- Bring in a motivational speaker to see if you can't get the horse to rise from the dead.
- Form a team, positioned to shift the horse's ideas.
- Finally, if all else fails, prop the horse up, put ribbons in his mane and tail, and see if you can't find a buyer.

cheers
Andrew

[sandman55]

A Message from John Cleese, British comedian to the citizens of the United States of America.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium and nuclear, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing them.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)… roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). In the meantime don't try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game that is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes, plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen!

[groverwa]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

He thinks to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. On approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the
back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to the Officer "Sir, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, Ihave to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer says.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 189."

[sandman55]

Kevin was always bragging about how unreal and popular he was and one day he said to his boss, "You know, I reckon I know just about everyone there is to know. Just name someone and I probably know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, and said, "OK, Kevin, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Kevin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Hey! Kevin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Kevin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kevin that he thinks Kevin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Kevin says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Kevin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Kevin on the tour and motions him over, saying, "Kevin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and lets have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Kevin, who again implores him to name one more, anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Kevin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Kevin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Kevin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go up, and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Kevin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Kevin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Kevin asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck is that on the balcony with Kevin?"

[sandman55]

The Catholic Blonde

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?

[mowerman]

Should I send this to WWF?

[Orrsum]

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through

she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart

what do you think I should do?'

He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[Donny Boy]

An American Decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

So, the American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the Yank .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son- it's a local call'.

[sandman55]

Ok What did Philip do his stance gives him away and the Queen does not look pleased

[Donny Boy]

" I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others."

Nice one Sandman,..... nice one !

[sandman55]

Hell hath no Fury

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day she agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

[ivegotabigone]

Good to see eve the royals let one slip now and again! Or rip!