Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[grumpy221]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

[reelcrazy]

Murphys Lesser Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[disorderly]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe me just try this little experiment.
Lock both your dog and your wife in the boot of your car for one hour.

When you open the car boot....... who is really happy to see you?

[fish-n-dive]

My 6 yo came to me & the missus today and announced that a BRA was a acronym for "Battle Ready Armour"..........LOL the things they pick up from cartoons these days.................

[JawstheOriginal]

How do you make a pool table laugh?


Tickle its balls.







(courtesy of my brother)

[BGG]

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my crotch and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow...why else would I buy dog food??

[groverwa]

The gorgeous young lady in a school uniform and bag over her shoulder was walking down the street when a bloke in a Lada Niva pulled up and said "Come on - get in and I will take you home"

She continued to walk and said "No"

Same bloke in the same vehicle followed her, stopped and said "Get in and I will give you some lollies" to which she still continued on and said "No"

A bit further down the road the same bloke in the same vehicle stopped near her and said "Get in and I will Let you drive"

This time she stopped walking and said "P!ss off Dad - you bought it - you drive it"

[DUALBIOS]

Bunnings has everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,

'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'


'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'

Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings.


Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong
And what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.'


So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.


He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:


'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water

and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,


Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings

[Chris Ryan]

See the attached.

It shows clearly how climate change can no longer be ignored.

[sandman55]

This is a laugh.

[Simmo2]

DIVORCE vs. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[sandman55]

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you
see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the
man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

[Silent]

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical histor y and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

[Xahn1960]

BANNED FROM K- MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to K-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from
her local K-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on lay-b y.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
K -Mart.

[STUIE63]

Xahn I haven't laughed that much in ages
Stuie