Complaints to Council
These are genuine clips from UK council complaint letters: (Nuf Said)
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we
can't get BBC2.
What could go wrong.......................
Work this out....!
I was feeling depressed the other day.......
After a while I decided to ring Lifeline and talk about it.
So I did....and got an answering centre in Afghanistan...
When I told them I was feeling suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could fly a 'plane..
Customer: Waiter! Taste this soup.
Waiter: Why? Is something wrong with it?
Customer: (Pointing into the bowl) Just try it.
Waiter: Is it too hot?
Customer: Taste it.
Waiter: Is it too cold?
Customer: Try it out.
Waiter: Does it taste bad?
Customer: Go ahead. Just sample it.
Waiter: (Pause) OK, where's a spoon?
Customer: AH-HA!!!!!!!
.
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of
his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not bad eh!
Last edited by Taipan; 29-02-2008 at 05:44 PM.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examination
room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's
first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked
his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" said the woman.
"Well, strip down to your waist." the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded,
and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.
Motioning her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No
wonder this baby in under weight, you don't have any
milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad
I came."
.
The Drunk
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
With apologies to all Greek and Italian readers ....
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "We have the Parthenon!"
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "Well, we have the Coliseum!!"
The Greek retorted, "It was we Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But, it was WE; who built the Roman Empire ."
And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality, he said, "It was we GREEKS who invented sex!"
The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was us ITALIANS who introduced it to the women."
.
Old (and not so old)Timers test
It's that time of year to take your annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: " Bread."
If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator : You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. InSwindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was you!
While driving along the back roads of Ipswich, two truckers, Webby and Lucky Phil, came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 3.4 metres.
They got out and measured their rig, which was 3.75 metres tall.
"What do you think?" Webby asked Lucky Phil.
Then Lucky Phil, who was the driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first, saying "Theres not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
.
Ohhhh Charlie............................ nice one LMAO
A man, on his way home from work was stuck in traffic on the Monash freeway which was much worse than usual. Noticing a policeman walking among the stalled cars, he asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?"
The policeman says: "Wayne Carey is so depressed about being caught beating up his girlfriend he's stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, fans hate him, his former team mates hate him and he now won't have the $1million from his footy show contract. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh, really?" the man says. "How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only 18 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning.
1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or
my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
-------------------------------
Veni, Vidi, Fishi
I came, I saw, I Fished
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too
cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called
on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and
Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the
butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret
and the Nun once again said, ' Very good,' and Mary Marg aret fell back
asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and
shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break
it in half!'
The nun fainted.
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