Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Sea-Dog]

Compatibility problems??

<snip>

Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that
this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

</snip>

You probably noticed that this feature was only trial-ware and the licence expired after 1 month......

Then the system froze.....

[Taipan]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy
Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great
Lone Ranger.

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed
in three days.

But, before I kill you, I will grant you three
requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my
horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone
Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse
gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful
blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still
kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the
horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and
disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver
again returns, this time with a brunette, even more
attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still
kill you tomorrow.
'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my
horse.....alone.'

The Chief, still curious, agrees again and Silver is
brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by
both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE.!![/FONT]

[Deestingray]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your a-hole is doing while you're having an Orgasm "

She replied, "Probably fishing & drinking beer with his mates."

[sarg]

Pete the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.They went into the first room and she said “I want this room to be painted a light blue.”
The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan..
The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”
When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him “I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?”
The builder said, “Oh don’t worry about that, I’ve just got a couple of Kiwi’s laying the turf out front.”

[mangomick]

**Breaking news**
Floods waters have created mayhem in the rural town of Rockhampton. Locals, who usually reside on the town’s riverbank, have been seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering'Faaackinell'. The‘Second ChanceMinistry’ food van has had to relocate to continue to feed the locals.
The flooding of the FitzroyRiver has devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth ofdamage.At Depot Hill, areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.Manylocals were woken by the rush of water well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.TheRockhampton Bulletin reportedmayhem on the streets as hundreds of residents wereleftconfused andbewildered and still trying to come to terms with the fact thatsomething interesting had happened in Rockhampton.

One resident – Tracy-Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-oldmother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes
came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and Riverslept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carriedon as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates ofbourbon and coke and cans of paint to the area to help the stricken locals.Rescue workers are still searching through the debris and have foundlarge quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards,jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for thoseunfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include: flannelette shirts,Wranglers, singlets (blue & white), Ugg boots, sparkly backpacks and any other items usually sold in The Warehouse or The Reject Shop.Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Bakedbeans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s anda lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Please don'tforward this to anyone living in Rockhampton - oh, stuff it, they won'tbe able to read it, anyway!

[PinHead]

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

[PinHead]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

[PinHead]

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Taipan]

God said, "Adam,

I want you

To do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explainedit to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said,"What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......"

Adam said,"What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In thecave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez...."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,

Into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was

Back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?"

[4x4frog]

A guy was sitting at the bar drinking with his mates; Wow, you should have seen the 20lb salmon I caught the other day! 20lb, replies one mate, yeah sure, were there any witnesses?
Yep says fisherman, if there weren't it'd have been at least 40lb

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.........teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink with his buddies and drink beer all day


Rod..........an attractively painted and decorated piece of f/glass rod that stops an angler from ever getting close to a fish.

Thumb.....a temporary hook holder

Treble Hook......triples the odds of catching a fish, quadruples the odds of hooking part of your person...(see above)

Live Bait........the biggest fish you'll handle all day



Why boats are better than women
A Boat's curves never sag

If your boat makes too much noise you can buy a muffler

Boats don''t care how many other boats you have ridden

Boats don't get jealous or upset if you buy boating magazines or look at other boats

You can have a beer while riding your boat

If you say bad things to your boat, you don't need to appologise before you can ride it again

It's always OK to use tie downs on your boat

Your parents won't want to keep in touch with your old boat

If your boat doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts

[charleville]

A Mud Island fisho and a "greenie" lobbyist were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.


The lobbyist shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"


The fisho turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."







.

[charleville]

A woman went to the hospital emergency section, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up, said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"







.

[baitwaster]

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government Official, "You
have observed the white man for 90 years.You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."


The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
Where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. no taxes, no
debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water; women did all the work,
Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night
having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think
he can improve system like that."

[disorderly]

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government Official, "You
have observed the white man for 90 years.You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."


The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
Where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. no taxes, no
debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water; women did all the work,
Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night
having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think
he can improve system like that."

Baitwaster,that's not a very funny joke,mate.
That's a tragedy.

[rando]

In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?'
Asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop
sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
And said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F*** would you say?'

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