Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question:

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child.

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

...i never wanted a kick in the nuts in the first place...

Two Nuns in Transylvania
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams
as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at
the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f8ck off the car!"

This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire, England who won the World's Shortest Essay competition. He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard For his imagination and humour.... Here's an example of absolute brilliance... Shortest Essay: An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: 1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Physical Disability 4) Racism 5) Homosexuality



The prize-winner wrote:

'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged nigger is a poof'.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE:-)

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.....

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

The Exam

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The
question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven
advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before
the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.

                      He got an A.

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.



Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.



She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.



The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"



His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."


"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

As a change from picking on the poor NZ bunch...............

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=dYslhL71k1M

from the show "cheers", cliff explains to norm...

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

http://www.wimp.com/jimcarrey/

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.

The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

A woman has sued her local hospital saying that after
treating her husband recently he has lost all interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied – “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train started to roll.

As the train began to pull out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart..."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough
and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer!

This has almost certainly been posted before - but sometimes the oldies are the goodies.

Frank got a phone call from his next door neighbour Flo, who is 93.

"Please Frank I'm trying to do a Jigsaw puzzle...it is a red rooster, but I can't get it started - could you please come over and set a few pieces for me so that I can get on with it....?"

Frank told his wife he was going next door to get Flo started on her puzzle.

When he looked at the pieces on the table he suggested that Flo relax and have a glass of wine..

She was not happy...."I don't want wine ....I just want you to get me started on the rooster puzzle...

Frank was adement:

"Listen Flo, you sit down and have a glass of wine while I scoop the corn flakes back in the packet.


( I like it because I can identify with Flo....)