Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Faster than hell

Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed, and the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: “It’s gone! It’s all GONE!! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed, “that’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”
God just shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”;D

A doctor from Israel says:
"In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The Australian doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing fellas, you’re way behind us....in OZ, ...We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size 34-40-54, with balls, a wooden heart, speaks like a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its going out of fashion.....and....

we made her Prime Minster ofAustralia

and very soon .....the whole bloody country will be looking for work!!!!!!"

jesus saves....

moses invests.;)

> Subject: Understanding Engineers


> Understanding Engineers One

> Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

> The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

> The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


> Understanding Engineers Two

> To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

> To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


> Understanding Engineers Three
> A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

> The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

> He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

> The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

> The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

> The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


> Understanding Engineers Four

> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

> Mechanical engineers build weapons Civil engineers build targets.


> Understanding Engineers Five

> The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


> Understanding Engineers Six

> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. "

> The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


> Understanding Engineers Seven

> Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


> Understanding Engineers Eight

> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


Hope you can understand better now!

Threa yeers ago i coodun evin spel enjunear - now i ar wun!!

You can always tell an engineer, just not very much !

Subject: Tech Support


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.


In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable
programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then
installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Fishing, Football,
Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and
Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running
Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


.................................................. ...............................................


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the
command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update.
If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelery and Flowers, but remember - overuse
of the above application can cause Husband to default to
Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad
program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a
virus in the background that will eventually seize control
of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to
reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported
applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It
also tends to work better running one task at a time. You
might consider buying additional software to improve memory
and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Blast from the Past

Remember this one?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x19...ed-fart_people

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says,
"Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings".

here is a picture of a very tragic accident, 6 lost, do not look at picture if you have a weak stomach

Since more and more Seniors are texting, it appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN, God Children, and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In);D ;D ;D

Today's business news is that Youtube, Twitter and Facebook are amalgamating.


The new venture will be called, YouTwitFace.


;D




.

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit

ROFLMAO

http://www.twawki.com/wp-content/upl.../lyingtart.jpg

The perfect wife
http://i51.tinypic.com/1zoxavc.jpg