Printable View
here's a good one to teach your sister's little boys next time you have them out fishing.
instruct them to hold the tip of their tounge between their thumb and forfinger and repeat the words " I was born on a pirate ship", "you're just a big pirate ship", and so forth.
remind them to show their mom after you drop them off.
HeeHee- forgot about that one sparky - an oldy but a goldie! Got to go find me some kids now :) mmmmm - may use it on some little pirate at the boat show this week end Lol
Sammy xx
Two blokes are adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp.
He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears.
Seeing their dire situation, the genie figures he can get away with granting only one wish, and tells them so.
"What ?? ......Just one?" the lamp finder says.
"Just one," the genie confirms.
"I've always known what my one wish would be if I got it," the man says: "Turn the entire ocean into XXXX Gold !"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second bloke turns to the first and says, "Nice going, mate!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
:o:o:o
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No! no! mate, where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed
"Listen," says the collector.. "You're misunderstanding me.
"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having fun wirra wife's sista!"
Little Mary Margaret (with help from Little Johnny)
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" the Nun asked.
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question ... "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted: "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
That's when the Nun fainted...
An Iraqi patrol is crossing the desert when they hear an Australian voice call out from behind a sand dune "One Aussie can beat Five Iraqi"
The commander picks five of his men and send them to get the Aussie.
There is a lot of screaming, yelling and gunfire, then silence.
The Australian voice calls out from behind a sand dune "One Aussie can beat Ten Iraqi"
The Iraqi commander is irate and picks ten of his best men to get the Aussie.
More screaming, yelling and gunfire, then silence.
The Australian voice calls out from behind a sand dune "One Aussie can beat a Hundred Iraqi"
The commander picks a hundred men and send them in.
It sounds like a massive battle, goes for fifteen minutes, then silence.
The Australian voice calls out from behind a sand dune "One Aussie can beat a Thousand Iraqi"
The commander is fuming and begins to pick men to send after the Aussie, when he sees a lone Iraqi crawling from the sand dune towards him.
The commander rushes to this survivor and asked him what happened.
The survivor tells him it was a trap, there were two Aussies.
Nice one Defore. That should be a tribute to our fallen men and women in combat.
And a warning to anyone else...
Steve
Top o' the mornin' to ya
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Tank you for your cooperation.
Paddy
;D ;D ;D
.
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?"
"Names."
;D ;D ;D
.
what do you you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
"Bob"
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
.
Does Wine make you Fat?
Wine does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN...
Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people
what do you call a man with no arms or legs in a museum?
"Art"
Latest news reports advise that a cell of four terrorists has been operating in the West Tallaght area of Dublin.
Gardaí advised earlier today that three of the four have already been detained. The District Garda Commissioner stated that the terrorists: Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have all been arrested on immigration issues.
The police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member : Bin Workin, in the area. Gardaí are however, confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be extremely easy to spot in the community.
.