6, 12 & 13 got me.......groverwa.
lol.... me be smarty pants :P ;D ;D not ! :-/
phill
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6, 12 & 13 got me.......groverwa.
lol.... me be smarty pants :P ;D ;D not ! :-/
phill
ILLEGALLY BLONDE; Shades of Yes Minister?
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, have inherited their family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Prior to leaving to purchase a bull, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big!
She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'
Grandmas - gotta love em!!! Atta girl!
Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train station in Sydney
There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of Australia.I politely declined to take one...
An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of I%^& ?"
The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your @rseand open it."
God Bless Australia !!
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New
York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful
Woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to
the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do apologise"
She said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.Oh, no - notagain!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name ofParacetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Life S@vers
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God!They're @rse-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them to p!ss off & let
him get some sleep. But they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of
excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a
river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all
the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over
there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I bloodywell didn't."
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.....
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'
The 2 PRAWNS!
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming
around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I
wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark and horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his
sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old
pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come
out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'...........
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force.
[/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif']
[/FONT][FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, But there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before You can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"I like your attitude!" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"[/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif']
[/FONT]
http://www.boston.com/news/local/bre...m_warns_s.html
an article about sharks near boston. the funny part... scroll down and read comment #3 from "steve"...
There was this blonde woman who just delivered a baby.
Her doctor came into her room and saw her with a bag
of ice in between her breasts. Her doctor asks her why.
She says, "That's to keep the milk fresh."
____________________
Q : Why do men snore when lying on their backs?
A : Because their b@lls flop over their a$$hole and
this causes an airlock!
-------------------------------------------------------
Q : What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE
CURTAIN?
A : When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show
is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is
SHOWTIME!
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What happens when you eat beans and peanut butter...?
A: You get a f@rt that sticks to the roof of your ar$e!
______________
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She
was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex
life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked
me that after having their tonsils out."
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine
and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ar$e and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
KIWI'S, May not be politically correct but.............
A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking
around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he
rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk."