Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else i n the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $500. Is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "Oh, thanks very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new 2007 models. There was one I really, really liked."

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$120,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,500,000."
MAN: "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than $1,250,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks........



"Does anyone know whose mobile this is?"

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said,
'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came!!

[FONT='Microsoft Sans Serif','sans-serif']CAKE OR BED[/FONT]
[FONT='Microsoft Sans Serif','sans-serif'] [/FONT]
[FONT='Microsoft Sans Serif','sans-serif']A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS.................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO![/FONT]

Nurses don't laugh at patients

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a
professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and
proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had
ever seen.. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse
started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was
able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse.
"I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I
promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
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"It's swollen," Fred replied

A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh or measure the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 15.4 kg and was 1.2m long :o

LEAVING WORK EARLY...
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband; but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Dave knows everyone....

Dave was bragging to his boss in Perth one day, "You know, I know everyone thereis to know.
Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Russell Crowe?"
"No dramas boss. Russell and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly across to Sydney and knock on Russell Crowe's door and Russ shouts, "G'day Dave! What's up? Great to see you!
Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Crowe's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Crowe was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old mates from surfing days, let's fly up to Washington ."
And off they go.

At the White House, Barrack spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but here's you and your friend, come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, "This will never work.
I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.
Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the
time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by medics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, " It was the final straw - you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?"

Darwin Awards

> Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
>
>
> Here is the glorious winner:
>
> 1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.
> This time it worked.
>
> And now, the honorable mentions:
>
> 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine, and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
>
> 3. A man named Dave who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>
> 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, Dave, a Zimbabwean bus driver, found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>
> 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>
> 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
> The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.

[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
>
> 7. Seems an Arkansas guy named Dave wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
> The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
> 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID, to which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>
> 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
> When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
>
> 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle, Dave, declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
>
> *** Remember... They walk among us!!! *** ::)

A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother in-law. On their third night in the wild, the mother-in-law went missing. Panicked, the wife woke her husband. He grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey and off they went looking for her. In a clearing they saw her, backed up against a thick, impenetrable vine, face-to-face with a huge, angry male lion. "What are we going to do?" cried the wife. "Nothing," replied the husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, and he can get himself out of it."

On his way to work a man is sitting on the bus nervously looking at his phone
-expecting a call from his heavily pregnant wife any minute.
Shortly into the journey the phone rings and sure enough his wife has had the baby. He gets all the details lengths, weights, wards and hangs up.

Overcome with joy at the news of his first born- a lump forms in his throat, he excitedly stands up turns around and declares to the rest of the bus:
“I’m a dad - my wife’s just had a baby!!!”
The lady sitting next to him enquires “ That’s wonderful! What did she have?”
He replies:
“A baby dumbass!! Pay attention!!”

> A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed
> to Nursery.
> The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
> insisted on NO baby talk!
> You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always
> reminding them.
> She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
> 'I went to visit my Nana'.
> No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
> Use 'Big People' words!'
> She then asked Mitchell what he had done
> 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
> She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
> You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
> She then asked little Alex what he had done?
> 'I read a book' he replied.
> That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
> 'What book did you read?'
> ( I love this.....)
> Alex thought real hard about it,
> then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
> 'Winnie the SHIT'.

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending some of us a $1000 rebate.


If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money goes to China.

If we spend it on fuel it will go to the Arabs.


If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.


If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,Honduras,and Guatemala.


If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.


If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea.


And none of it will help the Australian economy.

If we put it into Telstra, it will go towards wages in India.


The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on
prostitues, gambling, wine and beer, since these are the only products
Still produced here in Australia.


Thank you for your help,


Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan

PLANNING THE WEEKEND

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young lady at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile: GOMs rule

$10.00 MONKEYS

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his
assistant would buy the monkeys on his behalf. In the absence of the man the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man comes back from the city you can sell them back to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!
It doesn't get much clearer than this...

A six year-old boy joins his grandma to visit his grandpa in the hospital. When they get there, the little boy runs ahead and says to his grandpa, "As soon as grandma comes in the room, make a noise like a frog!" "Well, okay," answers Grandpa, "But why do you want me to do that?""Because," answered his grandson, "Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!"